Rethinking Resilience: Why We Need to Use This Word With More Care

“You’re so resilient.”

“The students have shown such resilience.”

It’s a word I’ve heard used a lot over the years, in jobs, in conversations with colleagues and friends, in articles and in the world of wellbeing too. It’s meant as a compliment. A recognition that someone’s been through a lot and kept going, which is not what it means. And, the more I hear it, the more uncomfortable I feel and the more I begin to loathe the word.

It’s a word that’s used far too easily, with no real understanding of its meaning, especially in places like the NHS, education, and social care. I get it, the pressure is constant and the cracks in the system are wide and we are expected to knuckle down and get on with it and the word resilience gets rolled out like a sticking plaster. Build resilience. Encourage resilience. Praise resilience.

But what does it actually mean? And what are we really saying when we use it?

Let’s begin by defining resilience.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary resilience has two primary meanings:

1. ‘The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness
2. The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.’

If we look further back at the history of the word, you’ll find that it was first used in 1807 in a physics context to test elastic materials “(such as rubber or animal tissue) to absorb energy (such as from a blow) and release that energy as it springs back to its original shape.” (www.merriam-website.com/dictionary/resilience). It wasn’t until the 20^th century that psychology started to used the word.

We are using a word that was coined for physics tests on unliving materials. We are expected, like elastic, or lycra or a plastic ruler to bounce back to shape without breaking. By using the word, we are equating ourselves with an inanimate object. Are we, as soft humans, supposed to behave like this?

However, if we look at it from a lived, human experience it still does mean the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. To adjust easily to misfortune or change. To “bounce back.” I’ve heard it termed “bounce back-ability”, I much prefer that!

It all sounds positive on the surface. And in many ways, it can be. In psychological terms, resilience can help us move through challenging life events, manage stress, and access inner resources that support our wellbeing.

But resilience isn’t the same as endurance. It’s not about holding it all in, carrying on regardless, or learning to “cope better” with things that shouldn’t be happening in the first place. And this is why, we really need to re-evaluate how we use the term resilience.

The trouble with how we talk about resilience

When people are told they’re “resilient,” it can end up masking what’s really going on, a toxic environment, a turbulent relationship, health issues. It can sound like praise but feel like pressure or even feel dismissive of the massive family and life difficulties you’ve been facing. Like being congratulated for staying afloat while no one offers you a life jacket.

Back in 2021 I was working in the NHS and that year just imploded for us with family health issues all around us, not least our own adventure into the world of IVF. I was at burnout, took some time off sick and when I returned to work the toxic environment hadn’t changed one bit and I didn’t want to keep dealing with managers who didn’t acknowledge that we were humans and had been dealing with covid as well as work issues and worries. So I left. I found another job where I was able to find my smile again. And a year later when I met up with a friend and colleague from the NHS, she was telling me all about how the situation was getting marginally better but it’s been a real struggle. And that a member of staff had turned to her and said that she was actually really resilient.

It made me stop and think. Was I not resilient then? Seeing as I had to leave that situation. Or did that member of staff mean that my friend was better able to endure what was going on rather than actually be resilient?

It made me feel like I was a failure, that I’d not stayed to endure the constant pressure, the constant worry about our jobs, the constant fear of how we’ll be treated next. I felt like I’d not been resilient enough to stay there. And when managers/institutions/friends use resilience in this way it does shift the responsibility back onto the individual. If you’re struggling, you just need to be more resilient. If you’re exhausted, just try harder, dig deeper, breathe more. Build a toolkit without any idea of where to start and what can help you.

More recently I was sitting waiting for an interview at a local secondary school and while I was waiting, I thought I’d do the good prep thing and read their most recent newsletter magazine about updates across the school. One article in particular grabbed my attention, written by one of the deputy heads it was saying how resilient the students were. It mentioned the word resilience at least 3 times and each time it clanged. It really didn’t feel like the word was being used in the appropriate way.

And nowhere in the article did it mention the support being provided for the students. And this is what upsets me the most. The use of the word with no follow-up, no system that listens and adapts to their employees, their students, no space where people are allowed not to be ok, to take a mental health day. No tangible toolkit is being provided for people to use in their own way and lives.

So where is that support? Where is the system that listens and adapts? Where is the space to not be okay?

Being resilient doesn’t mean you’re not struggling. Nor does it mean you’re thriving. And it certainly doesn’t always mean you’re coping well. It means you’re managing, at the moment, that you’re navigating how to bounce back, sometimes silently, often under strain, because according to the physics tests, you need that strain to be able to bounce back. And just because someone looks resilient on the outside doesn’t mean they don’t need care, rest, or help.

There’s a hidden toll to enduring it all, all the time without complaint, “being strong.”. It can stop people from asking for support and it can mean others won’t ask if you need help. It can make people feel like they’re letting others down if they finally ask for help.

I would much rather we started to focus more on support

What if, instead of telling people to build resilience, we looked at how to build environments that feel safe, compassionate, and sustainable?

What if we stopped treating each other as inanimate objects and started treating others as humans, as mammals, that aren’t designed to bounce back but are supposed to be able to look after ourselves?

What if we replaced “You’re so resilient” with:

• “You deserve better support”
• “It’s okay to rest”
• “I see how hard this is”
• “How can I help lighten the load?”
• “It’s ok not to be ok”

Because true wellbeing isn’t about bouncing back, it’s about being able to soften, be held, and feel safe enough not to keep going when it’s all too much.

And yes, we can nurture resilience, too.

This doesn’t mean we throw the word out altogether, but please use it with care (just like the word literally). I rarely use the word now and when I do, I use it in the sense of nurturing your wellbeing. There are ways we can support our own capacity to respond to life’s ups and downs. We don’t have to, nor should we be expected to power through. We can resource ourselves more fully, maintaining self-care so that we can bounce back as and when we want to. There’s a quote by Bjorn Natthiko Lindeblad that expresses this learning in advance:

“We learn in stillness, so we remember when the storm comes.”

Look after yourself

To be able to support your resilience, here are a few suggestions:

• Rest regularly, not just when you crash – I find this difficult, but I am getting better. And rest isn’t just being zombies in front of the TV or doom scrolling, it’s much more
• Practice nervous system regulation through breath, movement, or stillness – yoga, sound baths, forest bathing, mindfulness
• Connect with others who see and hear you – find your tribe and don’t worry if this isn’t who you think it should be
• Be kind to yourself when things feel hard – gosh, so much easier said than done. Think of it in the sense of speaking to yourself like you would a friend
• Let yourself feel, rather than shutting down – by pushing emotions down, you’re causing more harm. Most intense feelings will fade after 90 seconds, so let them come with kindness and they’ll pass of their own accord

Community

And most importantly, remember that you don’t have to do it all alone. Find your community of like minded people who will support you and uplift you when things feel tough and you need a resilience boost. So whether you’re into yoga, sound baths or tapping or massage, find the people you connect with and help each other to look after your mental healths.

I would have loved the NHS to mandate that we all spend time learning about tools and techniques that support our wellbeing. One size doesn’t fit all and we should be allowed the time to work out what does and doesn’t work for us over time. If managers, senior leaders and everyone else were to be provided with this opportunity, there would be a much reduced statistic of employees going off sick with stress and mental health illnesses. So yes, I believe that every company should invest in the wellbeing of their employees, a happy employee is one that gets sh*t done quicker and to a better quality than one who feels like they’re being taken advantage of.

Let’s stop asking people to be resilient in systems that need to change. Let’s start offering care that actually supports the person in front of us.

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them!

Fay x x

If you’ve been nodding your head along to the above and it all resonates with you on a level where your heart skips a beat with longing that you knew how you could help yourself actually be the resilient person you know you are inside, then please check out the Chaos to Calm course, a 5 week mind and body reboot.

A positive next step

Sign up for the Chaos to Calm course if you’re feeling like your cup is empty, or you’ve been in survival mode for far too long. It’s designed to help you understand your nervous system, release tension through accessible yoga and mindfulness, and build a practical toolkit you can use in real, daily life (without anyone even knowing) so that you can rebuild from a place of safety and ease.

It’s not about pushing through. It’s about softening, soothing, and slowly reconnecting with yourself.

More details can be fouund in the link below and if you have any questions, know you can always drop me a message!